a look into the unknown

thats a scream not a sigh

i just wanna release all my frustration and blah in my heart and life. how do i move from wanting to do things to actually doing? from desire to action. does it come from a weak body/will, lack of discipline, or lack of true desire? is it the whole “my heart says yes but my mind says no?(if thats even right) and i get frustrated at myself.

i want God but do i really want God? Jesus I believe, but help my unbelief.

all He wants is my weak, broken love. it doesn’t matter how fiery i am or how much i feel like i want it or how much i do or show. it only matters that whatever it is, it goes to Him. i think thats the difference between a “good” christian and a “im not ready” christian. it isnt about having the most knowlege, about doing the most things, saying the right things, being the right person. the “good” christian is just as lost and struggling and broken and weak and seemingly hopeless, but he knows it and gives this life to God exactly as it is. we often want to get our act together first. make our lives better and right before God and then give it to Him. as if we have the power to fix ourselves. as if we smell any better once we spray 20 bottles of axe on the poop that we are. only God can fix us, redeem us, free us. only God can make us that sweet sweet fragrance. only He can makes us not poop.

its about realizing the power of the cross. the once and for all sacrifice. that nothing we can do will bring us any closer or any farther from God’s love. He loves you in your weakness and brokenness. He is loving you right now. the question is if you want to receive it. are you willing to let God love you? can you be humble enough to say “i can’t do this. nothing of my own strength can acheive anything. i will never be enough?” can you let your salvation be in the hands of God and not your own? let all your shame, sins, mistakes be cleaned and forgotten without doing anything in return? it doesnt make sense. and its soo much easier but still so hard. we cant seem to allow someone to do EVERYTHING for us. we have the mindset of “well this is my life, i can take care of myself.” and we even feel like we need to do something, ever so small, first, to DESERVE God’s love. we’ll never deserve God’s love. but thats not the point. He loves you NOW. He loves you more than you can imagine. it must hurt Him when he wants to love us and embrace us and kiss us while we run around preoccupied with looking and asking and doing. we simply need to receive.

its God’s grace, i feel, that brings us from a moment of complete frustration and spiritual dryness to a feeling of hope and life and victory within a minute. even as i write this post, i am reminded of these truths and feel a sense of breakthrough. praise God!