discovering myself
Ask me anything
Ask me anything
- me:
- but there were a lot of internal struggles
- for me through some of syria and the rest of summer
- so i dont know if the things i did had that much of a direct impact on me as of now
- dunno how to say
- but ive been sharing this a lot but
- ive been feeling like almost depressed and sort of lost and frustrated mostly spiritually
- Jason:
- wow, that is tough
- would you say that started after you got back, or you left for Syria?
- *before you left for Syria
- me:
- mm
- i feel like it sort of started halfway through syria and got worse after getting back
- but i felt a little bit like that during the end of last quarter i think
- i think the worst was the 2 weeks i spent in kansas
- the beginning part of that
- Jason:
- if you don't mind me asking, do you have an idea of what may have started things in Kansas?
- me:
- well im not too sure and i tried talking with some people but lets see
- first off i just wasnt "in the mood" and just kinda didnt feel like i could engage
- in what we were doing and i didnt really know why
- and i didnt feel like even meeting people and talking to people
- so i spent a lot of time in my room
- um we had a lot of times of just like waiting, listening, imagining God and i guess i sorta got frustrated with that
- many little things made me realize that i felt like i was detached from my emotions
- and i felt like thats really important in my relationship with God to know His love and receive it
- but i felt like i didnt even know what that really means and i guess it seems that others experience it and know it in such a real way
- but thats kinda just things i was thinking at the time
- i think a big part was me questioning myself and wondering where i am with God
- and feeling a lack of identity
- like not wanting to feel like im faking anything or forcing anything
- but let things come from an overflow sort of
- like i was talking with someone once and i said i felt like ive lived in obedience to God for most of my life and not often really knowing God
- and i guess God honors that but ive felt like it is soo important to build that relationship but i dont know
- Jason:
- those are some deep thoughts
- me:
- and i came to a point to accept that its ultimately not in my control and giving it to God and looking to God to do His work, but its difficult
- and i dont know if ive been even making an effort to come to Him these days
- i guess just for a long time ive struggled with whether to cut off all my commitments/obligations and focus on my intimate time with God or to let God work through those things
- and i feel like more than ever that God's calling me to the secret place, but im sorta afraid if i will really experience Him and know He is there, maybe
- Jason:
- this may sound silly, but have you gotten rest lately?
- and not just doing nothing sort of rest, but rest where you're able to sit back and seek God
- me:
- ive wanted to, but like i said i guess ive felt unable to
- even in times ive tried to sit before God i think i think too much or expect something so limiting or something
- Jason:
- yeah, I've been there before
- in those times, I just turn to the psalms and start reading until something catches my eye
- I'm trying to find some notes I took a few years back
- but the topic was on deserts and God
- me:
- cool
- yeah i know one thing is definitely that i havent been spending time in the word
- Jason:
- kind of like when Israel was wandering through the desert for 40 years
- they knew God was there, but they couldn't see it most of the time
- but it's through those times that God seems far, that He's doing something in and with your life
- me:
- yeah
- i guess i feel like im almost doing something wrong or i gotta do something to get out of this place
- Jason:
- the Word's definitely a good place to start
- honestly, I'm surprised what sticks out to me when I read sometimes
- I'll definitely be praying for you
- me:
- yeah thanks
