a look into the unknown

[posted at noon after finally getting some sleep]

its 6:25am and i didnt just wake up.

naps are deceptive little things. i napped 3 hours yesterday and even after playing an hour of broomball afterwards, i still havent gotten sleep. i dont know if its a lack of discipline on my part or the after effects of a restful mini sleep.

i hate it when i wake up in the afternoon. the day feels lost and i lose motivation to even start to do anything. like i have any motivation in the first place. this weekend is gonna fly by and im gonna be faced with finals in no time. i guess i should really break down things i gotta do into little tasks so i can try to accomplish something and not be totally overwhelmed. but i dont know if i will ever really set out to do that. God help me be careful/diligent/effective(theres a better word) with my time. Spark a passion in my heart to do what you want for me and to want what you want.

off topic rant:

“how are you doing?” are some of the most dreaded words i am faced with and words i so desperately avoid to use, but am obligated to for lack of anything better. unless i specifically have an issue/feeling on my heart at the moment i am asked(eg. if something really bad or really good happened), i am impeled to reply “good” and then attempt to dig out some other flowery/shallow stuff that just simply isnt real hoping to say something relatable, and hating the words i speak as they come out. i know the other person just wants to have a decent conversation, and i want to do the same, but something about the question “how are you doing?” shuts off my mind from anything meaningful and switches into “maybe this is something you want to hear” mode. and its not really that im hiding anything (or not conciously at least) but i just need a moment to think or i need routes for my mind to follow to get to a place i can talk from. only through deeper conversation can i bring to surface things that are more legitimate and real, and be able to truly speak from my heart. maybe i just hate questions because i feel like i have to answer correctly. or i feel pressure to give an answer within an allotted time constraint. [thank school and testing for that]. and there are times i really want to know how a person is doing and i just sense theres something, but the words “how are you doing” just wont get there. or after not seeing someone for weeks, theres bound to have been many great or less than great experiences that i want to hear about. and that i want to share about, but unfortunately i dont know how to get there and i cant even recall things out of nowhere. yeah i just overthink a lot.